Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Chainring

Concerning cyclists...

Some things are forgotten which should never be forgotten. The evil Lord Saracen cast 9 chainrings, but little did the people of Middle Earth know that there was one chainring to rule them all. Anyone coming into possession of this chainring could scale Alpine ascents with ease, descend hairpin mountain paths with a surety that only magic can provide and sprint faster than Cippolini full of espresso.

It was set to be the biggest scandal in the Tour since the Festina affair and something had to be done so a band of travellers was amassed: four hobbits, including the carrier of the chainring, on Pashley trikes; an elf on a Mercian custom-build (showy buggers that they are); a dwarf on a BMX; a man on a Halfords full-suspension mountain bike because they know no better; a mysterious ranger on a Specialized Enduro which looked fancier than he could possibly afford; and a wizard on a silver titanium job.

And so the Fellowship was made to travel to evil Moultonor to cast the one chainring into the fires from whence it had come and so make the Tour nice and even again.

One of a trilogy culminating in the Return of the King of the Mountains.

The Bianchi Code

It had long been fabled that within an old Bianchi frame lay the truth, the guidance, the path to the holy grail. And so ensued a race against time, and against a secret evil sect known only as the Moultoneers, to recover the grail.

Told in rivetting novel-by-numbers, cliche-loaded, tension-draining fashion this book is a must for all those who might be surprised to learn that the bible might be a nice bit of fictional writing and not actually the word of god.

Or is it?