I've long been interested in the species of animal known as 'boy racer' (Nercus Machinus). As I've said before, Llandrindod is full of them after dark. The males appear from the shadows, roaring their exhausts and farting around corners with excessive speed as they lean heavily to one side.

I went for a bicycle ride last night and saw loads. Sometimes they stop in the middle of a road and chat from their wound-down windows. Sometimes they are parked by the road, revving their engine, with a couple of the female of the species sitting meekly on a bench nearby. They mate both homosexually and heterosexually. Their same-sex mating habits are quiet and secretive: sometimes you pass a dark, unused car park with two of them parked next to each other, facing in opposite directions like a Pisces fish symbol, lights ablaze and metal coat shining. I imagine some long, dangly plastic tube connecting them under their floorpans.

They do have fascinating habits. It can be better than badger-watching. But you do have to be careful. As they are bigger, faster often less intelligent than most humans, like bulls and wild boar, they can be somewhat aggressive and unpredictable. Twice last night on my half-hour ride, I was charged. Both times, I was tootling along opposite some parked cars, and a roaring thing appeared from nowhere, pulled out onto my side of the road and charged headlong straight for me, forcing me onto the pavement for my life. I am quite used to it, but be careful if this is your first time. They are very territorial, and they don't like it when humans are out and about in their patch.

The females are much smaller and weaker. They sit in pairs on benches around the town centre, looking very much like frail humans. But there the similarity ends. They are waiting, generally, to be picked up. Many males may pull up beside them during the night, but they will be attracted to only a few of them. Then, they insert their entire body inside the male's metal shell and hang onto parts of the interior while the male races around the town. This must be either painful or delightful, as if you listen closely you can hear little shrieks and yelps. During this ritual, it is important to stay well clear. If you are walking or cycling, watch by all means but stay on the pavements. After the female has reached orgasm, she leaves the male's body and resumes her place on a bench, waiting for another one.

After a number of such encounters, the female will spend nine months incubating a baby boy racer. When it is born, she sprouts a small four-wheeled appendage in which to carry it. When the boy racer is old enough, he suddenly metamorphoses into the large shiny metal shell that you see on the streets; and discards his mother's appendage, usually down a grassy slope by a stream, where one or two of the wheels fall off.

So there you have it. Fascinating. I believe this species has been scantily documented. This is quite surprising, as it is prevalent in most british towns today, having infested the darkest alleyways for about twenty years now. You only have to go out after dark to see them for yourself.

.bardandwarriors